Which decision do I choose? I am stuck! Let’s explore together.
This post is meant to be read like a letter from me to you. You are in a moment of indecision and I am here. We get to experience more of our internal goodness in decisions, even though the process itself can be weighty.
Hi friend!
You are here, in the middle of a big decision between options — good, bad or great ones. The weight of the uncertainty of what you will lose and gain in this decision weighs you down. I’ve been there. I get it.
This is the sweet spot of decision making — taking on the unknown and navigating your way through it. To find a place of resonance for you. This may stress you out and I am here to help you lean in.
Before we look at some ways that you can approach the process, let’s take a moment to celebrate that you have choices. When we have them, we get to become explorers in our minds and lives. It is like this decision opens up a part of a life map that you have not yet seen. And it shines light on what is ahead and possible. Exciting!
Decision wobbles: Positive + Negative Pressures
Decision making can be complex, yet simple. As a coach, I notice that people tend to over complicate many decisions (I do too!). There is a ton of responsibility in the authority to dictate present and future moments. And to have some say and control in what may come. We want the best for ourselves and those we love.
In that, our decisions are an expression of our healthy and bleeding hearts for human connection and acceptance, from ourselves and others.
Pressure builds in this, both negative and positive, around the decision. And that is okay. Even though we can never know what the future holds, our participation in making decisions gives us comfort and confidence in the unknown.
Negative self-talk
Both kinds of pressures (positive and negative) can sit in the balance. Swayed by self-perceptions, emotions and expectations. Pressures can flare up into unhelpful and negative talk towards ourselves unexpectedly. And lead us to make decisions while stuck in those moments. This happens easily, and often without our awareness. The negative pressures tend to root themselves in several moments and memories. And can sprout negative self-talk. For example, when we:
- Feel threatened by a part of the outcome
- Recall the harmful or hurtful parts of similar decisions made in the past
- Feel trapped in the boxes and labels that people and society have given us
- Decide that the barriers to reach a future milestone within one decision are too big to overcome (these tend to be financial in nature)
Our defenses rise up in a need for self-protection and -preservation. In this, our perspectives shrink a bit as we go inward to make ourselves less vulnerable. Our self-talk can then become something like this:
- I do not belong in that environment
- I will get hurt, again
- I am not a person who can do xyz
- I cannot ever reach that goal
When our negative self-talk comes, it is more difficult to expand on those thoughts like this:
- I do not belong in that environment. And, I may thrive in it.
- I will get hurt again. And, that is uncertain.
- I am not a person who can do xyz. And, I very much am a person who can.
- I cannot ever reach that goal. And, it can be well within reach.
It is not a bad thing to have negative pressures and the thoughts that come with them. It is normal. As humans, we are not made to control our thoughts. They will always come, whether we want them to or not.
Redirecting and amplifying thoughts
We have a tendency to hold onto negative thoughts as if they are the most true about us, or our situations. But the truth of our experiences is more holistic than a bundle of negative thoughts. There are positive and neutral thoughts that ought to be amplified. It takes some practice but you can get there.
One way to help direct your thinking mind is to let your negative thoughts come and then let them go. Tell yourself that they are only passing thoughts, and let them pass. Do not focus on them. The benefit of this in decision making is that we allow a greater part of ourselves to contribute.
When negative thoughts seem to attack you, see if you can become your own best friend in the moment. Imagine that your best friend shared their negative thoughts around a decision. What would you tell them in response? Be your own best friend. Listen and respond to yourself.
Making the decision — How to approach it
As you continue along on in your decision making, take inventory of the thoughts that guide you. Focus on your present moments. What thoughts are guiding you right now?
If they appear to be more negative, see if you can release them and let them pass. You can do this by stating the negative thought and then adding on a challenge or fact afterwards.
When your thoughts appear to be more positive, continue to build on those. Expand your thinking by asking yourself, “What else?” This question will help you further develop your curiosity of what is possible.
If you feel like you can go even further, reflect on two questions:
- What does a right decision look like for you?
- How do you know if you have made a right one?
You will brush up against your values and beliefs system as well as some of your fears and insecurities. These will continue to tell you a lot about what you stand for and why this decision is important to you. And finally, aside from you, who else can be your best friend in this decision?
I am here, rooting for you as you explore the newest editions of your life map. Keep your spirits lifted and be kind to yourself. Let your thoughts pass until you want to grab hold of them. You have the choice in what thoughts to pay attention to and develop further.
Lean into what you learn about yourself. You are an ever evolving and growing beautiful human, exploring uncharted lands in the map of your life. Keep going! I am happy to be along for the ride.
